UNABRIDGED: PET ETIQUETTE

PET ETIQUETTE

I’ve been thinking…

Do not believe there is such a thing as Pet Etiquette. My animals are SO disrespectful of me it is a disgrace.

I'm coming back as one of my cats!

They live in the lap of luxury, homemade cozies in which to snuggle, real feather beds, fresh wet and dry food daily, together with spanking new water. The dogs get a chewy treat whenever I leave the house (it’s a guilt-thing). The birds receive scrambled eggs twice weekly with a touch of newly grated TILLA-FREAKING-MOOK cheddar cheese and top of the line birdseed (not pellets, mind you), PLUS millet sticks! The fish get not only vitamin-enriched flakes but also an algae tablet once a day. The whole menagerie wants for naught. Attention is freely given; the dogs the demanding ones; the cats of the “When I want you to pet me, I’ll let you know” persuasion.

Frolic Area

They are all (excepting fish, of course) allowed to go outside and frolic after the sun has risen and are collected before sunset so they don’t become fodder for the wildlife.

Cats consider this provocative

The birds and fish never sashay by offering me a peek at their rosebuds, THANK GOD!

So, I ask you, WHY would these spoiled rotten MISCREANTS treat me with such disdain?

I have NEVER puked on any cat’s bed. It would NEVER occur to me to vomit where someone might put his or her head or any other body part, for that matter. ESPECIALLY leaving it cleverly concealed so it would be discovered JUST before bedtime.

Puke Perp

I have the Puke Perp, the Poop Perp, the Pee Perp and, on occasion, the Chew-It-Up Perp. In the words of Nancy Kerrigan: “Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy!”

I HAD nice linens, nice shoes, nice Bluetooths (would that make them BlueTEETH?), nice underwear, nice curtains. I had to give up wall-to-wall carpeting; that was just a lovely dream of yesteryear. I cannot leave a box open anywhere for fear it will somehow flash a great neon sign that just SCREAMS: PEE IN HERE! POOP IN HERE!

Goodbye couch

What was a couch with cushions now resembles a giant shredded wheat biscuit. If I go to bed with my hair loose, I wake up with it matted to the scalp because some cat decides to make bread dough out of my hair, purring and drooling all the while. Oftimes, I look like a Medusa in the morning.

Phew!

I have to slather myself with perfume BEFORE BED because it has become the ONLY EFFECTIVE treatment against fleas. Yep: truly. My pets snuggle up against me and are flea-free!

There is no one to call, “Hello, Owner Abuse Hotline? My cat just ralphed all over my bed…it’s on my pillow, overrunning the side of the bed, on the quilt, on the floor, it’s everywhere! I need an intervention!” To the cats, I say, "Look, if you don’t LIKE it don’t EAT it! Don’t scarf it down and then chuck it back up to the delight of the drooling dogs, damn it!”

Pee Perp

I believe DROP KICK may have once been a sports term. I think it mainstreamed because husbands adopted it to fit what should be done to misbehaving cats. There is also the “throw it against the wall and it won’t do THAT anymore”. GROAN. I heard it growing up, I heard it from ex-husbands, I hear it everywhere but never more than when the topic turns to pets in mixed company.

My next dog

Poop Perps

What would possess a dog (or dogs) to defecate and urinate on the floor when the door to the outside is OPEN? It’s like having a colostomy bag right there! Where is the common sense? It’s Owner Disrespect, I tell you.

Cat box: Pooping on the FLOOR right NEXT to the cat box is PURE SPITE. I really need to stop doing that, but I’m trying to make a point.

The Fraidy Cat in younger days

I live with fraidy cats and pussy dogs: in the middle of the night, when all is quiet, dark, and spooky I’m jolted awake by 7 tense, trembling bodies whose heads are all turned in the same direction looking wide-eyed at the door. Not one stirs but I notice their fur is stuck out in all directions. Gee, I feel comforted, especially when two of these seven are DOGS.

I wait. They wait. I wait. They win. “What, I’M supposed to be the one to go see what’s out in the other room IN THE DARK waiting to peel the skin off my bones?” Sigh. I get my pliers from the drawer next to the bed. I keep them there just in case an intruder will stand still long enough for me to pinch off his nose. I creep out slowly, each step as silent as the next, carefully avoiding the pee puddles, poop piles and vomitous masses. Stealthily, I approach the living room, my heart pounding out more loudly than Big Ben.

Buddy

One of the birds had a nightmare and fell off his perch plummeting to the bottom of the cage. So much for the intruder who luckily avoided the Dreaded Nose Pinching by Pliers.

By the way, since that episode and moving to a new neighborhood, I have given up my weapon of choice, The Lethal Pliers, in favor of a Craftsman 3/4 inch Drive Quick Release Ratchet. I think it might do more damage.

Finally, while I’m on the subject of interlopers, who told ants they could come into my house and steal my food? I don’t go traipsing around in their anthills or ant farms gobbling up their grub! My cat dish and kitchen counters look like Doodle Bugs! Ants are nothing more than unscrupulous thieves. If I get another pet, it will be an anteater.

With my luck, he won't like ants!