SPAY & NEUTER THE PETS. STERILIZE THE NEIGHBORS

Aaahhhh!

Yesterday, in a fit of cleanliness, I evacuated, showered, shaved, AND shampooed.   I went to get cat food and smokes.  Came back.  How long could that take?  Not long, trust me.

The "neighbors" next door have their house for sale AND were giving away free kittens as evidenced by the 40 signs with which they had plastered their house, AND because of the recent rain had bleeding red ink so it looked more like Kiiiiiiiiitttttttttteeeeeeeennnnnnnssssss.  

I resolved that I would have NOTHING to do with the kittens.  I already share my abode with five cats, 2 dogs, 4 birds, and a plethora of fish.  Do I REALLY NEEEEEEEEEEED more?  Nay.

When I returned I met up with one of those neighbors and I had a wild, intelligent thought but my mouth beat my brain to the punch before I had a chance to clearly think through that wild, intelligent thought....

Mouth:  Hey!  I have a lot of empty moving boxes and wrapping paper, would you like to have them?

Le Box

Neighbor (short, unshaven, unkempt male, constantly revealing fish-white pot belly by pulling up shirt; I wondered...was he making a wish by rubbing it?  Could I make a wish that he would disappear???): Yes,  I wondered where I was going to get boxes.

Neighbor is shorter

Mouth:  I'll get them for you.

Neighbor (attempting to SCALE that hump which divides our front yards; it's all of 18 inches high and I half-expected him to go back to his house and get a climbing rope and pitons):  I can do it.

Mouth: No, it's easier for me. (they were outside on top of the Chevy, three feet away).

Neighbor: I have kittens... would you like one?

Mouth:  Oh!  Kittens!  Uh, gee, no thanks, I really have enough pets, but thanks, anyway.

Neighbor (struggling with two EMPTY boxes) takes boxes into his house.

I wait.  And wait.  AND WAIT.  Finally, I bring remaining boxes to a picnic table in their front yard.  While doing so, he returns and takes a whopping two more empty boxes. 

Neighbor: I don't think I need any more wrapping paper.  Come and see the kittens.

Mouth:  No, really, that's okay, I'm good.

Neighbor: Well, look and tell your friends and maybe they will take one.

Braindead

Mouth (brain STILL NOT EFFING ENGAGING!!!!! (the 60's will do that to you)):  Oh, okay.

I pick  up remaining  full boxes (3) and bring to his front door.  Front door COVERED in filth, fingerprints, dog fur, wet leaves, and spider webs. Unidentifiable SMELL emanating from inside which ASSAULTS every one of my senses once the door is opened.  It's like a blast furnace of p-u!

Self-explanatory

Brain starts firing, but only on one cell.

Mouth:  Really, I'm sure you're not prepared for company as you are probably packing to move; I don't need to come in.  (I'm going to be killed, I just KNOW it; they'll never find me here.  They'll certainly never detect the smell of a DEAD body).

Neighbor (shuffling forward): That's okay.

Former Tank Occupant

I step in.  Dark, malodorous, covered with F I L T H.  It's everywhere. A half-full fish tank with no fish (I THINK) sits in what I suppose is a den which has a peeling linoleum floor.  The tank is moss green...inside.  Odd things floating in it. Nothing moving; no bubbling filter.  It's almost SPOOKY in there...  I can ALMOST see outside through the sliding glass door; it's murky though.  If I wasn't sure the windows were GRIMY, I'd swear I have cataracts.  Or glaucoma.

View from the window

This house is for SALE??????  It will need to be razed and sold for land value only.  There is not one inch of space that isn't covered in grime, grease, dust, and various kinds of spooge.  The STINK is triggering my gag reflex.

There are cats and kittens covering the house.  I'm certain my eyes are wide and watering; I'm also speechless.  A first, for me.

Help us!

Neighbor:  Some of these are part Himalayan.  My wife and I used to raise Himalayans for 15 years but the female got too old.  There are 4 here that are about 11 weeks old and 8 that are about 5 weeks old. 

I see darting shapes everywhere.  Some large, some medium, some small.  The tiniest mewing. I did catch sight of a raggedy, mat-ridden Himalayan whose eyes were so dull and murky and devoid of true Animal Spirit and Adventure, that I thought she might be blind.

Ralph on the Horizon

He corrals two kittens and thrusts them into my arms.  CLEARLY, they are malnourished; the bodies are tiny and their heads huge.  They are SO not used to being held. Phfft! Phfft! Phfft!  Orange ones, grey ones, black ones.....everywhere!

At this point, I feel a puke coming on.  I quickly give the pathetic little babies the requisite attention and excuse myself with a promise of more boxes and telling Neighbor that I would tell my friends about the kittens.  NOT.

I saunter out casually because I think RUNNING might tip the guy off that I'm about to blow chunks. Once the front door opens I inhale the sweet, succulent fresh air Mother Nature hastily ushers my way.

Hazmat

I hit my front door with a velocity unparalled; strip and HIT THE SHOWER, SOAPING WILDLY, RE-SHAMPOOING VIGOROUSLY, conVINCED I have contracted every disease known to man and animal.  I wished for a decontaminator machine.

As a P.S.  these were the same people who hollered over the fence at me one night, Hey! Is that your black cat? 

I'm thinking, gee, in this neighborhood there are about 27 BLACK cats, but I say, I do have a black cat. Why?  (thinking, oh shit, something happened to YOW (his name).

This "woman" yells, Well, some black cat got our cat pregnant! 

Yow the Spermless

Not thinking (again, brain freeze) to say:  HELLO, RETARD, GET YOUR CAT SPAYED.  KEEP IT IN THE HOUSE!, I say, Well, all my pets are spayed and neutered. And I go into the house....WITH my BLACK, NEUTERED cat.

Sheesh.