UNABRIDGED: The DVR and Christmas Fowl Up

The onus is on my DVR

I am addicted to the DVR. There is one in the living room, one in the bedroom, and one in my son’s room. Two DVRs have recording capabilities. One is set for CBS, NBC, and FX; the other is set for ABC, TNT, SYFY, and USA. I miss NOTHING.

Sometimes this can get out of hand. For example, I was suddenly faced with equally 14 episodes of PSYCH, BURN NOTICE and a near number of DETROIT 1-8-7.

Good Cop

Uh-Oh.

I decided to start with DETROIT 187 the other day as I had a ton of laundry and what a perfect excuse to stay a willing prisoner in my bedroom. Besides I'm completely fascinated by Michael Imperioli's nose. It affects me the same way as The Nose of Harold Ramis. Anyway, once the laundry was finished, I still had time to change the sheets, paint the whole room, make curtains, a bed skirt and knit an afghan ... that finished up all the shows. After that immersion, I was ready to become either a Dumb Criminal or a Serious Cop.

Me, as Gabrielle Anwar

Similarly, when a friend and I watched two seasons of TRUE BLOOD over the course of two Saturdays, I had a little legal trouble when I went about the neighborhood biting people in the middle of the night.

Moving on to BURN NOTICE the next day, I starved all day, vowing to become an anorexic because Gabrielle Anwar doesn’t just look good, she can also detonate anything with just gum and a toothpick. I was going to be so hot. That lasted until I got into the mashed potatoes. And the pie. And the cornbread. Okay, so being a svelte spy was out. So was looking like Jennifer Garner. Sigh.

I decided I needed something REALISTIC as I felt I was becoming out-of-touch. I went for PSYCH. 14 episodes later, I was doing the The Clue Face. I was the All-Too-Cautious Guster (complete with screaming). I was sighting UFOs. I managed to get NOTHING done that day in the house. Who can leave PSYCH for even a minute? Later that day I applied for an SBA loan to open my own psychic detective agency. Call me--I’m in the book. Wait. I already know your number. I'm psychic, remember?

Which brings me to the Christmas Fowl Up.

Lovely Coupon

As I had yet to buy any grub for The Dinner, it occurred to me that I’d better hidey-ho to the grocery store and what with Fortune Smiling Upon Me, having just seen the VONS ad on TV: TURKEY! $5.00!... how could I resist?? Such a deal!!! I hummed to myself with shopping shrewdness.

Taking my meager unemployment check, apportioned into: so much for dog food, so much for cat food, so much for fish food, so much for bird food………and the “leavings” for us, I jumped gaily into the car. Having picked up a bag o'spuds at Smart & Final, celery, and a few other bulk-cheap items, it was time to stalk Vons in search of the GIGANTIC-EST bird I could get for FIVE BUCKS! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Very empty

Into Vons, I ventured, straight to the meat section. Upon immediately not espying the bird of my dreams, I sought out the butcher, caught his eye and pried him from a gaggle of women who needed Cooking 101 regarding a pork chop. He scuttled over eagerly because I was wearing My Imperious Face.

“Hi, where are the $5.00 turkeys? I can’t seem to locate them….are they in another area? Oh, just PLEASE tell me you’ve pirated away a few in the back. I’ll take any size, any shape, I just need a turkey!” I begged him to help me look for the elusive bargain. I was so excited I couldn't take a breath.

“Oh, we don’t have any of those.” He replied somberly, and not the least bit snotty.

“Can’t you find me just ONE?” I whined while batting my eyelashes furiously.

“No, I’m sorry, they’re all gone.” He seemed sympathetic, so I felt undefeated and somehow encouraged to continue, in SPITE of just having heard "NO" not once but TWICE!

“But”, I cried, “I just saw the ad on the TV. It was Vons and the ad said five dollar turkeys…I can’t remember if it was with or without a $20.00 purchase…” I trailed off, looking in vain at the rows and rows of turkeys some as high as $2.49 lb.

Ever so nicely, the butcher confirmed that an ad WAS run (on TV) for five-dollar turkeys. However, it was at THANKSGIVING, not for today. My mind was racing furiously. Was I insane?

I stood there dumbfounded, ready to go to battle. Then it hit me. I had just come off watching shows that were MONTHS and MONTHS old. The ad was, indeed, from November. The last show I watched of PSYCH aired in November, but I had JUST WATCHED it this VERY morning. This particular morning being DECEMBER 23. Thanks to the Infamous DVR, I was reduced to a blithering knucklehead. How could I extricate myself without looking like a total idiot?

“Hey, on second thought,” I said, "I’m sick of turkey. Point me to the prime rib.” He obliged me. I picked up the most expensive one.

It's now sitting somewhere on Aisle 8.