My Glove-Box is Overflowing With E-tickets to Hell

I just came back from the grocery store.  When there, while no more than half-a-leg back into the car to come home, it struck me:  I had sinned.  Mortal and Venial Sins.  Okay, maybe not mortal, but close enough for me.

Nevertheless, I DID break rules.  Okay, maybe not legally, but my own Personal Rules and a lot of others.

Before I make my shame public, I’ll start with Laws of Attraction: which simply say that you attract into your life whatever you think about. Your dominant thoughts will find a way to manifest.

I don’t know if I’ve ever given real thought to what attracts people to one another; in fact, I don’t know if I even cared.  Either you like a person or you don’t.  You have either some things in common or none.  You know, after a few minutes, if the person you meet excites you with their looks, personality, or sense of humor. You know if they intrigue you with intellect, or you are just going in gut-wise and the decision is made for you.  Gut-wise must be where the dominant thought manifests…

You may be drawn to a sales clerk with a hovering demeanor or you may be attracted to a clerk who, by and large, ignores you just long enough to let you make your own decision then suddenly appears at the instant you are ready to check out.  

What determines your reluctance to answer the door to a solicitor? What makes you amenable to listening (for half an hour) to a Jehovah’s Witness when clearly you are of another mindset?  I don’t know.

I am certainly no stranger to what makes us err (as I am my own worst critic) but, clearly, I am an absolute stranger to what makes us divine.

Back to my real story.  Arriving at the grocery store and just before entering I saw the requisite donation solicitor.  I always make it a point to use the opposite entrance when the store entrance has a table near it with Girl Scout Cookies (because I can’t buy Just One Box; I have to buy Ten); Voter Registration tables, Signatures Needed for This Cause (or that); See’s Candy Fundraisers, or simply Solicitors of Any Kind.  Don’t tell me you haven’t all done this at one time or another.

So what "attracted" me to this entrance?  Was the Law of Attraction at work and beyond my control?  I guess.  Because here’s what happened.

Breaking Personal Rule #1:       I stop.

Breaking Personal Rule #2:       I engage.

Breaking Personal Rule #3:       I express interest/concern.

Breaking Personal Rule #4:       I ignored Mind Separating from Reality Warning Signs

Breaking Personal Rule #5:       I become The Champion.

It was cold outside; I was cold. The solicitor was shivering.  I mean, really tho’, it’s California: How cold could it actually be, for crying out loud.  But I just go by me (it’s always all about me); so I figured the guy had to be frozen down to his toes.  It was a bone-chilling 64 degrees outside. You have to understand that my body is solar-powered.

The gentleman at the table had a battered, cardboard ballot-box looking thing with old pictures in a plastic sleeve taped to it.  There were some beat up “business” cards  depicting homeless people scattered about the brown folding card table that was complete with peeling plastic and duct tape. The cards promise to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, house the homeless.  I was about to become the Lord's Minister for $20.00...leading me to...

Breaking Personal Rule #6:       Blindly refuting that this could be a scam.

Breaking Personal Rule #7:       Ignoring that the man was here from 57 miles away.

I was convinced he needed coffee and offered to get him some while I was in the store.  Anyone who knows me, knows these last four years have been fraught with serious financial problems, unemployment, and trying to get my business off the ground. In fact, saying they are the WORST four years of my life would be an understatement.  BUT: I was on a mission now, mesmerized by my own Self-hypnosis.

I could not donate money, however, I could donate to the man who was there on behalf of the "Sweet-Baby-Jesus-Lord-Have-Mercy-Thank-You-God-Hallelujah-Church-Of-The-Reverend-Curtis-A-Haynes-Congregation".  Can I get an AMEN?!!!!

Breaking Personal Rule #8:       Relinquishing Sanity in Favor of Salvation/Redemption

I floated into the store, with nothing on my mind except that cup of coffee I promised to bring out.  I got the few items I almost forgot I needed, when, suddenly, there I am in front of the deli counter, buying hot food for the Man Doing God’s Work.  I only bought what I would eat, that made sense.  Nothing fancy, just what I call Comfort Food.  Hot macaroni & cheese, chicken tenders…yummmmm.  Yet, stuff I would NEVER buy for myself, in spite of my love of it, because buying prepared food from the deli is…..

Breaking Personal Rule #9:       Wasteful because I can make it at home for a fraction of the cost.

A Starbucks was in the store (it still is, in fact).  Digging deep into my wallet for change, I find a Starbucks card given to me probably over 4 years ago.  WOOT!  I never used it because it was tantamount to:

Breaking Personal Rule #10:     Rebel against overpriced products and frivolous spending (see Rule #9).

Yet there I was.  I got two-- one for me, one for God’s Man About Town.

I’m tooling toward the store exit and feeling blissfully good, magnanimous, blessed, philanthropic, righteous, god-like, benevolent, "saved", and smug.  And so, went about:

Breaking the First Commandment:  Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.

Committing Blasphemy: Self-idolatry.

I’m STILL on the path to burning in the fires of Hell but am powerless to stop myself.

I greet the solicitor with food and coffee, as well as giving him the Starbucks card with the balance remaining on it.  He gratefully accepts my “donation” bows his head and prays for me, thanking God for my generosity.  He was honest; he was sincere: of this I have NO DOUBT. And will never, ever doubt.

I bid him adieu and as I have that half-a-leg in the car, begin to wonder: in WHOSE name did I donate: God Almighty or Pam Almighty?  Who did I think I was?  Sitting there - so full of shame -  unable to separate what I thought was a Good Deed from Arrogance - I wanted to puke.

My shame boiled down to this example: You ask me what I want or need. I tell you I just want a gasket for my blender.  You buy me a whole blender.  Or, I ask for wooden hangars (Because. That. Is. What. I. Want) but you give me sexy, new lingerie:  so I get something that makes You Feel Good.  So, what I did was the same as…

Breaking Personal Rule #11: Doing what “I” think is best for someone instead of doing what they want or providing them with what they really need.

Was I a victim?  I’ll never know.  And, frankly, that’s the ONLY part I don’t care about because just for a few special moments I felt like a million bucks, hence…

Succumbing to yet more sins:  Vanity, Self-aggrandizement, and Needing to be Adored.

In hindsight, maybe I just needed the HUMAN, real-life interaction.  I like to THINK I help by sharing Lost Animal pleas on Facebook, sending condolences to parents who have just lost their child to a drunk driver, then posting links to help them pay for funeral costs, congratulating others on their new successes, praying for others who are going on job interviews, passing along beautiful pictures, funny stories, bad jokes...the list is endless.  But while the gratification of posting on Facebook or Twitter gives me a wonderful feeling, it's transitory and fleeting.  I guess I just needed something tangible at that very moment. A voice to hear, a hand to shake...skin-to-skin contact.

I wish I’d never gone to the store today.  Any day I don’t hate myself is a Good Day and this one turned out to be pretty crappy.

My week’s highlights include two exceptions to the good-deed-gone-bad: Having an Egg McMuffin breakfast with my good friend, John Brown, and an absolutely silly trivia game "hosted" by Tim on FB. 

Have a nice weekend and in spite of me, Do Good Deeds for Unselfish Reasons; perhaps you can undo my mess.